Who's in it? "Sly" Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet "The greatest martial artist ever! after Bruce Lee of course" Li, Terry "Chris Rock's dad in Everyone Hates Chris", and two brunette female actors only distinguished by their accents.

What's it about? An aging mercenary is hired by the "CIA" to kill a South American dictator-type but really he's just trying to get the girl and blow stuff up.

The Expendables is a vanity project of Sylvester (Barney Ross) Stallone's, this much is certain.  How else to explain a 64-year old man who flies into an unnamed and very dangerous coked-fuelled South American country, kills dozens of trained soldiers a quarter of his age, rescues the girl from sadistic American drug barons and escapes by sheer luck in a literal blaze of glory with nary a scratch on his oft-sculpted visage?

But then again, who cares? You don't go to a Stallone flick for reality, or even acting. The full crowd at the Deluxe just rolled with the punches, the ability to distinguish actual real life with the Americanos impression of a South American dictatorship, left firmly at the door.

In this case, we allow Stallone his flights of fantasy because, hey, if I was old and had to wear the world's worst toupee, I'd want everyone to see me at my best too!  And we forgive Stallone because he's...he's Rocky! and he's Rambo!  and he's been around longer than anyone in his genre, his fellow non-actor Ah-nold (in a nice cameo) included.  Whether leaping off a pier to catch the open door of a moving hydroplane is due to a gruelly daily workout or little blue pills is debatable.  I choose to give him the benefit of the doubt.  But even Sly has his limits:  when he appears ready to give one of the two brunette ladies a kiss, the audience released an "Ah man, even HE couldn't pull that!" collective groan and it was as if the great man heard and came to his senses.  

In a flick devoted to guns - both the biceps and the blow-'em-up type - there's little room for other actors to shine, but Mickey (Tool) Rourke, who continues along his comeback trail, has a nice soliloquy about a devastating lost opportunity.  Crews (Hail Caesar) has a few choice lines and generates the biggest audience laughs and applause of the night.  Jet Li (Yin Yang), old Rocky nemesis Dolph Lundgren (Gunner Jensen) and Steve Austin (Paine) kinda seem to be part of the furniture that gets rolled out for a polish ever so often.  Only Jason Statham (Lee Christmas) gets a chance to show some character depth as a lovesick hitman with a dangerous past.

So, go see The Expendables, have a laugh or two, keep your expectations to a reasonable Stallone level and bring a friend. You won't remember the film the next day, but it'll keep you chuckling for a few hours.

The Expendables, now showing at the Deluxe Cinemas at the cnr. of High and Market Sts. Call 461-2788 for showtimes.